Poetry
~ All I Need To KNow, I Learned From My Horse... ~ When in doubt, run far, far away.You can never have too many treats. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still. Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest. Eat plenty of roughage. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot. In times of crisis, take a poop. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat. ~ Horses vs. Husbands ~ Good Things About Husbands:Husbands are less expensive to shoe. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay. A lame husband can still work. A husband with a belly-ache doesn't have to be walked. Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back. They're better able to understand puns. If they're playing hard to catch you *may* be able to run them down on foot. They know their name. They can pay their own bills. They apologize when they step on your toes. They seldom refuse to get in the vehicle. They don't panic, yelling and running all through the house when you leave them alone. (unless you left the kids too) For a nominal fee you can hire someone else to clip them. The Horse's Advantage: If they don't work out you can sell them. They don't come with in-laws. You don't have to worry about your children looking like them. You never have to iron their saddle pads. If you get too fat for one you can shop for a bigger one. They smell good when they sweat. You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape. It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence". You can force them to stay in good physical condition... with a whip if necessary. They don't want their turn at the computer. They turn white with age, but not bald. They learn to accept restraint. They don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot. ~ A Horse's Prayer ~ To Thee, my master, I offer my prayer. ~ You Know You Are A Horse Person When... ~ -You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.-Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own. -You refer to your car as "my portable tack room". -You are exited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are disappointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop. -You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician on your speed dial. -Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack room. -Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin. -Your nice clothes are the ones without horse hair all over them. -You have to go to your friend's wedding in riding clothes because you took too long at the barn. -Only horsepeople would spend hundreds of dollors on a show for a 95 cent ribbon ~ Murphy's Horse Laws ~ *There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.*No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off. *The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month. *A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching. *Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn. *Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed. *Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you. *Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped. *If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty. *The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn. *Your barn will fall down without baling twine. *Hoof picks always run a way from home. *If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury. *If you are winning, then quit, because there is only one way to go. Down! ~ Things Only Horse People Can Say... ~ *Do you like my breast collar?*His sheath was really dirty, but I cleaned it. *In the winter, his Ass gets really hairy. *Don't jump on him, sit down gently. *What a lovely Jackass! *She wants to breed to my stud. *There's nothing like 17 hands between you legs! *Can I pet your Ass? *He had a bad attitude, so we castrated him. *He's got a lot of stamina, you can ride him all day long. *Is she a maiden? *I wanted to breed to her stud, but he's all booked this season. *He's really good at walking and pooping at the same time. *He didn't try to run away when we drove the nails into his feet. *He broke his leg, so they shot him. *She bites her baby if it behaves badly. *She's on a new diet, she's only eating grass. *She just got a new rack. *If he's not good, just grab his lip and twist it. *When I'm done riding him, you can have a turn. *They cut his toe off and he walks better now. *Don't worry, if he pulls her teats too hard she'll bite him. *He's much better if you ride him with a crop. *She's got a really nice, big, square butt. *What color are her gums? *The mother is black and the father is white, and the baby came out black and white. *He tries to kick me when I put my hand in his sheath. *Don't worry, it's normal for his mouth to foam. *All of her babies have been sold overseas. *I know she's going to have a baby soon because her butt is soft. *Her baby started walking about 20 minutes after birth. *Her body was covered in 4-inch long hair, but I clipped it off. *He has trouble mounting her because she's so tall. *She likes to roll in the dirt after her bath. *He has 23 babies by different mothers. *He goes outside in just a blanket. *He was about 6 months old when we branded him with an iron. *I have to use a stool to mount him. *If he's spilling his food on the ground, he might need a dentist. *I was listening to his gut sounds last night... *One testicle is visible, but I can't even feel the other one. ~ Horseman's Dictionary... ~ Auction - A popular, social gathering where you can change a horse from a financial liability into a liquid asset.Barn Sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly. Big Name Trainer - Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them- as they have a direct link to "The Most High Ones" (Judges). Bog Spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles. Colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows. Colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. (also see Filly) Contracted foot - The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot. Corn - small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots. Drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administeres mineral oil to his horse. Endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods. Equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring. Feed - Expensive substance utlized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure. Fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding). Filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt. Flea-bitten - A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats. Flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished. Founder - The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." Founder (2) - A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner Frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on. Gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn. Gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses. Girth Sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles. Green Broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the ‘Big Name Trainer.' Grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body. Grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills. Hay - A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places. Head Shy - A reluctance to use the public restrooms at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets. Head Tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn. Heaves - The act of unloading a truckful of hay. Hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse. Hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into. Hoof Pick - Useful, curbed metal tool tuilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes. Horse shoes - Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw. Inbreeding - The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing. Jumping - The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed. Lameness - The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders. Lead Rope - A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag. Longeing - A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing. Manure spreader - Horse traders Mosquitoes - Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds. Mustang - The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8. Overreaching - A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season. Parasites - Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows. Pinto - A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes. Pony - The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall. Proud Flesh - The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes. Quarter Cracks - The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses. Quittor - A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns. Race - What your heart does when you see the vet bill. Rasp - An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the nuckles. Reins - Break-away leather device used to tie horses with. Ringworms - Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows. Sacking out - A condition caused by Sleeping Sickenss (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals. Saddle - An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats. Saddle Sore - The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show. Sleeping Sickness - A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks. Splint - An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger. Stall - What your truck does on the way to a horse show, fifty miles from the closest town. Tack Room - A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes. Twisted Gut - The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show. Versatility - an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon. Vet Catalog - An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory. Weaving - The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it. Whip Marks - The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging branch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves. Windpuffs - Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen. Withers - The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback. Yearling - the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously. Youngstock - A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground. Zoo - The typical atmosphere around most horse farms ~ A Rescue Horse's Thoughts~ Thunderstorms enter my heart, a cloud of mixed emotions. The rain is tears from my eyes no longer cried. - Heather Obed, 2006 ~ Confusion - A Horse's Soul ~ When shall I see you again? In a day? A week? A year? Some say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but for me it brings despair and loneliness. My faith deserts me, my courage fails, my spirits darken until they can lower no more. Then, like a heavenly figure, in those few, precious moments when you walk by - You enter, brightening my heart’s imagination. I am with you for a day, one thousand lifetimes, a moment, all at once. I pray for no end to this brief meeting. But then, just as suddenly as you arrived, you vanish. In your place you leave the despair and loneliness that are all too familiar. Yet, in my heart I keep you and our memories. Though it was just a moment, it is the image of you I keep. It seems that you wish to forget me, but from my thoughts, you are not gone. My heart wishes for you to stay. I've heard that if you let someone go, they will come back - If you love truly. Will you ever come back for me? I feel you going further away with each passing day. The ambivalence you hold inside is tearing me apart. What did I do to make you abandon me? The answer I have been looking for... It lies within you. It's deep inside below the pain. Next to the laughter and joys that we have shared. Can you tell me what I did to make you stop looking at me? What did I do to disappoint you? Do you remember all the tears you shed in my mane as I tried to comfort you with a soft nicker? Do you remember all the hours we spent in the lazy afternoon sun, just you & I? Can you tell me what I did to make you stop whispering sweet words in my ears or softly caressing my muzzle? I just don't know if our time has passed or if you have just lost interest in me. I still love you, I just may always. Only time will tell. I cannot tell a lie, I feel so completely lost, dying slowly inside, waiting for you to look and find what lies within my heart again. Keep looking and I'm sure you'll find the answer that I seek, if I'm here and I'll try to be. Just not sure if I can wait. Although I know it isn't fair, you alone now hold my fate in your hands. Stop pushing me away now when I need you. You can still make sure that I am here when you may need me. - Heather Obed, 2006 ~ Letter From Your Horse ~ When you are tense, let me teach you to relax. |